ho hum

I am not feeling very good, a bit ungrounded and agitated.  To have the idea that transition is smooth - the inbetweenness.  Right now I am feeling uncomfortable.  I can not even decide whether to plant flowers on my deck - I called a few people to reach out, and one friend called back agreeing that he feels a bit stuck too. 

Phew, it is not just me

I have been noticing I am worried about rent and money - survival issues- the rents are going up up up - I said I am becoming the effect of those energies - I am good at that - ha what would I do with myself if I was not matching something? 

Perhaps the question is - if I a going to match - this is short for being the same vibration as- what do I want to match - fear and worry or - joy and peace.

My friend asked how I was doing with my brain injury.  I need to stretch my back to keep the flow going so my head stays more open.  That is a daily exercise among others. 

Daily - attending to- breathe and let go.

I was listening to a  meditation, that our minds create our reality, so to know what the mind is creating subconsciously is a practice that takes alot of kindness and nonjudgement to explore. 

I have alot of fighting going on on this level, one idea that is beside another and they are each fighting to survive, getting louder and louder.  I am real, pay attention to me.  No I am, and there is only so much space here, I am most important, I will be the better investment for you.  No no, I am real, real real.
One is saying you need to be___________ to be, and another do ___________, and have ________ to be. 

But I already am. 
I am seeing these are ideas I don't have to keep enlivening with my energy.  I am imagining a big balloon with all of this and letting the gas out, my energy - to return to me.

It is embarrassing to realize I have been letting myself be controlled by these ideas, on a subconscious level.  But even the embarrassment can be a control energy that keeps me hiding.  Like being a child and feeling like you did something wrong.  I think that is the ego , the bully playing with one's feelings, to stay stuck.

It is challenging to see this alone, I find it helps to share with other people to find objectivity - neutrality.  I can't see my own stuff all the time by myself - that is why we have each other  and it is more fun to laugh with someone too.